There was a point in my life I was certain; certain of my purpose, my future (eternally speaking), and my faith. I was sure God existed, the Bible was inerrant, and I was certain truth and salvation were found in Christianity alone.
That is, until my certainty began to fall apart.
Uncertainty crept into my heart when those closest to me started revealing long-suppressed doubts. The same people who had taught me to believe were questioning the very foundation they helped me build my life upon! At first, I could shrug off these doubts. I was sure that if I knew more (or reached out to those who did) all of these questions would be put to rest. Surely these doubts were a simple matter of misunderstanding! Of course, it was not that simple. Closer scrutiny only brought more questions not answers, and my search for clarity only led to painful frustration. To make matters worse, seeking guidance from others proved less than helpful. Responses from others offered little more than an appeal to faithfulness and book recommendations.
Many of the doubts pertained to the legitimacy of the Bible or the flagrant hypocrisy found throughout the history of the Church; and though I was initially able to rationalize most of these doubts away (at least to myself), there was one question that tore at my heart:
Was my faith in Jesus the result of supernatural truth, or was I a Christian simply because my brain couldn’t accept the possibility that this life has no purpose beyond to live and to die? Did I believe in God because it was the truth or because I desperately hoped it to be?
Ultimately, my failure to find satisfying solutions to any of these questions left my confidence badly shaken. My foundation started to crumble, and doubt took root as the questions raised bred doubts of my own:
How could I claim to know the truth, a truth that essentially meant the rest of the world was wrong? Did that make me an ignorant, arrogant fool? Surely those who believe in a God other than Jesus feel as certain of their faith as I was of mine! Could I be sure that I believed in Jesus because he is truth and not just because I was raised a Christian? Was the Bible really the reliable source of spiritual guidance I thought it to be?
I was terrified to admit my faith was shaken. What if my wavering faith caused someone else to stumble? Or worse, walk away from their faith altogether? I had thought I was strong! I had believed my foundation was firm. Perhaps if I could conceal my uncertainties the truth would present itself in time. Repression seemed to be the only option for fear of being discovered a fraud. Sadly, this way of thinking led to many painful years of holding tight to a thread of faith; years of confusion, loneliness, and depression (a sad paradox to the promises of Christianity).
In the past year, I have been blessed to be a part of a small group of individuals dedicated to wrestling with our most painful doubts and questions concerning God, Christianity, the Bible, and much more. I have found a place where I no longer fear being seen as a pretender as I battle doubt and cling to Jesus. What pure relief it has been to my heart!
So, where do I go from here?
I’m still not entirely sure. Perhaps, together, we can break away from the fear that causes us to conceal our doubts and questions. We can work to create an atmosphere which allows the freedom to express our uncertainties. It is likely we will never find all the answers-but perhaps it is the journey of working through our doubts, finally allowing our minds to confront the hard questions, that will provide something far more valuable than the illusion of certainty.
-Ashelynn
Ashelynn, let me begin by saying that your heartfelt honesty in dealing with what I will call a “crisis of faith” shows your sensitivity, intelligence, and curiosity to be acute and a credit to you personally.
In quoting Pilate when confronting Jesus who identified Himself as “Truth”, Pilate sarcastically said “What is truth?”
There is a great deal to say here and I would rather we could set and talk together with the very human characteristic of sensing the presence and demeanor of each other, but I know that is not possible so allow me to do what I can to hopefully help you, comfort you and perhaps awaken some of the answers to questions you have already expressed.
When Jesus scolded the Disciples for not allowing the little children come to Him, He said we must have faith like little children.
Children have a very acute sense of seeing the spirit of people they encounter. It is without preconceived ideas or jaded experiences, they just see people for what they are.
The children seen something special in Jesus.
Faith is not an intellectual exercise. Faith is believing the impossible in spite of all the circumstances you see or are encompassed in.
Faith is a challenge to everything you see and much of what you experience. As is written in the Scripture, “Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.”
Ashelynn I am 71 years old and my life has been filled with the supernatural experiences God has shared with me. These experiences God has given me are encouragements to bolster my other gift, the gift of “faith”.
From the beginning God knew I would need these “encouragements” for the trials and tribulations that lay ahead for me in my journey with Him through the broken world, filled with pain and suffering and disappointments.
God has proven over and over to me that He will provide all I need. Not give me all I want, but all I need.
Simply begin by taking all of your doubts to God in prayer. But be ready for Him to answer, because sometimes His answers come in hard lessons.
We can discuss these doubts one at a time if you like. I have not the ability to change your heart only God does, but I can listen without judgement and offer what I can in hopes to encourage your faith.
As time will allow (:
Steve
Ashelynn let me begin at the beginning. The Bible is a Book of Books that has been provided for us through a collection of inspired writings from men who were anointed of God to record history as well as instruction to all who would believe or even seek to believe.
The Bible is more than just words, it is the Word of God a testimony about Jesus the Messiah from Genesis to Revelation. A testimony through the lives of real people who lived and died.
People with faults, people who made mistakes, people who knew nothing of God, people who thought they knew everything about Him and yes people who had doubts who had to be shown proof before they could believe.
If all we had was the Bible it might be enough, but God also provides Himself in the Person of the Holy Spirit so that when you open yourself to His presence He speaks to you in many ways in order to lead and direct you in your life.
God also provides both people and angels to aid you along your way. Sometimes, most of the time, you won’t know the difference between them, but God puts them there for your benefit.
He also places you where He wants you and will use you in the aid of others even when you have no idea that He has.
In Isaiah 6:8 Isaiah says to the lord “send me”.
We first of all must be “willing” to be led of God and not led of our own desires. We must surrender to God’s authority.
Nearly 40 years ago I had a small youth group at our local church and my/our credo was Deuteronomy 6:3-8, because here it is given that it is our responsibility to teach our children the way of God so that it becomes second nature to them.
We have a choice to pass along either faith or doubt to our children.
We give them a leg up when we introduce them to faith, but hinder them if we burden them with “doubts”.
Don’t make the mistake of basing what you know of God on people, as people will fail you and let you down, but that still small voice in your heart will never abandon you. Trust God, even in the darkest hours of your life, especially in the darkest hours of your life.
Steve
Ashelynn, I understand that your blog is a place intended to be a safe place for people to express themselves. Freely without condemnation from any.
The truth is any conversation should be like that, but the truth is also that everyone don’t have the courage to be themselves openly and so hide behind many false faces publicly.
The question is what is it that you doubt?
At the very beginning as Jesus began His public ministry He divided people into what they believed to be true concerning Him and what He said.
Some would reject Him outright, some would hear only what they wanted to from Him and some wanted to hear more.
I heard it said recently that Moses presented the law to the Hebrew and that Jesus presented His new law to His believers on the “Sermon on the Mount” or “The Beatitudes”.
The thing is that no one is able to fully obey or fulfill either except Jesus Himself.
Turmoil, disagreement and individualism rose up alongside the birth of followers of Jesus. Because such things are human nature.
There was a man who defeated the Spanish control of South America, his name was Simon Bolivar. As he came near to his death he predicted that a thousand dictators would rise from his coffin.
Look at the history of South America and you can see he was right.
The history of the Christian church, though tied to the history of Christianity at large, is actually separate at the individual level.
The persecution of Christian’s under Roman Emperor’s is well documented, yet it took a Roman Emperor to not only end the persecution, but adopt “Christian” theology as the official religion of the empire and thereby spread it to all parts of the known world.
However Christianity used as control of the population was a manmade misuse of being a follower of Jesus and as a result of people’s misuse of “power” the “Protestant” Christian church was born.
Under Protestant Christianity, because of individualism, we have hundreds of “sects” that all proclaim to be the only true followers of Jesus.
Billy Graham once said that if he believed everything he was taught in Seminary he never would have become the evangelist he became.
Billy Graham’s message never changed, “believe on Jesus Christ and receive eternal salvation.
There is no message there that if you accept Jesus as Lord all of your earthly problems are over.
Quite to the contrary, once you accept Jesus as Lord you will be persecuted by other Christians and non-believers alike.
If you take a look at the basic belief of the Eastern Orthodox Church, and the Roman Catholic Church you will see there is no basic difference in nearly any Christian denomination. I say nearly because there are some I would have a problem with.
In today’s politically correct society in order to please everyone the very language of the original text of the Bible is altered in order to be more “modern”. Dividing even further one from another.
For me there is no “doubt” that people fail Jesus at every level, but that there is “no doubt” that Jesus never fails me.
For any who may read this I am the care giver to my 40 year old son Matthew who received traumatic brain injuries in an automobile accident when he was 21. He wrecked in June of 1999 and in October of 1999 his mother my wife of 33 years found out she had cancer and subsequently died one year later.
I had to quit working in order to take care of them and with no income at all my only concern was their care. The local churches here raised enough money for us to survive until insurances and Social Security could provide for us
Matthew and I had only a month before his accident dedicated ourselves to be used of the Lord.
That was now nearly 20 years ago.
Do I have doubts? No for I have seen God’s hand upon us and with us every day.
A few years ago I had a dream and in this dream I was in a place that was all white and filled with people I could see and a man who stood in front of me began to tell me all of the answers to “why” questions I had ask of God and every answer made clear sense to me. It was all perfectly clear.
However as I turned around to tell Matthew so he too would know, I couldn’t remember the answers. But it didn’t matter anymore, because I knew that God had a purpose and a reason for every single event of my life and I was at peace with it.
Forgive me Ashelynn for saying this but we have a choice of either feeding our faith and encouraging the faith of others or feeding doubts and casting a shadow over what we believe.
I will try always to encourage faith and perhaps erode the doubts that people may have.
My blessing to all.
Steve