This journey of doubt is painful, to say the least. My heart is a mess of uncertainty, and the truth is I’m terrified. My heart desperately wants to believe, but I am not exactly sure what to believe anymore. What if Jesus is a fraud? What if the Bible is nothing more than a fairytale? What if my life has been spent chasing after something that doesn’t exist? Everything I am has been shaped by Christ; my identity so ingrained in Jesus that apart from Him I lose the essence of myself. I am lost without Him. I don’t want to let Him go. But, I don’t want to be a fool.
Where do I go from here?
Is there room for hard questions in the Christian faith? I believe there needs to be. In any case, if there is any amount of truth to be found in Christianity (I still believe there is), then no questions will be able to threaten it’s validity. What is the worth of a faith that cannot stand against difficult questions? Over the past few years I have complied a list of some of the questions raised (by dear friends and myself) concerning Christianity, God, and the church. These questions arose from hearts sincerely longing for truth in the midst of pain, confusion, and doubt. I am sharing a few of these now in the hopes of painting a clearer picture of my own journey of faith and doubt, and to hopefully provide a springboard for others to give voice to their questions as well.
Questionings Concerning Christianity
Am I a Christian because it’s the truth, or simply because I was raised a Christian? Would I be a Christian today if I weren’t raised to be?
How could God, whom the Bible describes as a loving father, send His own children to hell for eternity?
If God truly exists, why does He seem so invisible?
Most belief systems claim to offer the truth, how can Christianity claim to be any different?
If Christians are to be known by their love, why is the history of the church so ugly and filled with acts of hate?
Do we, as humans, cling to the idea of God because it is true or because we cannot accept the thought that this life may be all there is?
These questions continue to challenge my faith and worldview. They also push me to move beyond the lure of ‘certainty’. I am no closer to finding satisfying answers to these hard questions than I was when they first arose several years ago. I am, however, learning (ever so slowly) to rebuild a foundation of faith; a foundation constructed with space for doubt and questions that will serve to keep me humble, honest, and always open to growth.
In spite of all the questions I have, Jesus Himself – my belief in Him – is the only thing that holds my life together. It’s hard to explain, especially in the midst of doubt, but He truly is the anchor for my soul. He is my sanity. That is why I still desperately cling to Him even when nothing else makes sense.
I hope it is clear that I am sharing these thoughts not out of cynicism, but out of a genuine longing for truth. I have no desire to cause confusion, nor do I wish for anyone to stumble in their faith. My soul desperately wants to believe, and to find rest even in the midst of uncertainty. I write with the hope of connecting with fellow believers who live with doubt. I offer my thoughts to break away from painful isolation, and to help create a community where we can all share our questions without fear. Lastly, I dearly hope to find others who have journeyed with doubt before me and to be encouraged by their wisdom.
-Ashelynn
Doubt and question are essential to growth. I have found that it doesn’t weaken my faith but instead strengthens it by stretching. Trouble comes when doubt paralizes us and we stop seeking, growing and testing our own faith and fear. This time in your journey is where you move from learned faith to lived/living faith. It can be scary because your faith must become yours, not a group’s or family’s; yours.
Good work, Ashelynn. (Very good writing as well).
I am praying for you.
Uncle Jeff, I value and appreciate your words immensely! I am finally learning not to be afraid of my doubts; instead, allowing my questions to challenge my beliefs and, as you said, lead to growth. It is awfully tempting to simply give up when the weight of doubt overwhelms me. It can be crushing! Thank you for your words of encouragement to persevere, and for your prayers. I have a lot to learn (a lifetime’s worth, I imagine), but I am eager to experience faith in ways I never have in the past.
Ashelynn, I have traveled a similar path to yours in the past, so I know from first hand experience how hard it is. I admire you for being courageous in not only allowing yourself to face the doubts you’re having, but also in posting your experience publicly.
Thank you for your kind words, Melissa. Have you come to a place of peace with your doubts? If you ever feel like sharing your story, I would love to hear it.
Ashelynn because I always like to start at the beginning I had a lot to say on your first comments “The End of Certainty”. Having said that I feel led to say more under this your last comment, if you please.
Like I stated earlier and Jeff has aid as well, you write very well and it is my belief that we write best when we write from the heart and I see that in your comments all the way.
Every human with any spiritual curiosity asks the questions, who am I, why am I here, what does all this mean?
Long ago I learned this is because God wrote eternity on the hearts of man. I learned that from reading it in the Bible. It is the beginning of looking for Him and learning the answers to such questions.
So in answer to you topmost question in my opinion it is necessary to question yourself over these matters.
It is the pathway to being “born again”.
I too was raised up by a good Christian mother and as a result at 17 when I joined the Marine Corps it says “Methodist” on my dog tags.
The basics of my Christian education never left me, but it wasn’t until I was nearly 30 before I experienced what I would call a return to my Christian beliefs a personal revival or if you want, to be “born again”.
The new “awakening” in me put me back on the pathway God had planned out for me from before I was born.
In an effort to share some of my experience with you concerning your six questions, let me take them out of order as I am under serious time constraints and want to get started.
You ask “why is God so invisible?” Look Ashelynn and you can see Him everywhere, in the starry night sky, in the sunrise, in all of nature everywhere. Ask Him to let you see Him and you will all around you.
There is a mathematical equation called I believe the “Golden Spiral” that is the same ratio in spiral galaxies as in sunflowers, snails and even microscopic algae.
They all show the hand of a “Creator”.
I have much more to say, but at another time as my time at the computer is up, Matthew will be coming out in a few minutes to listen to Sirius radio and play solitaire.
Also praying for you and your family Ashelynn.
Steve